Radouane's Journey to Life

There was a time in my life where I believed that rest meant stopping activity.  But what I did not see and what I am now facing with self-honesty is that I never actually stopped.  I only changed the form of activity.  I stopped physical responsibility, but I did not stop the mind.  I did not rest.  I distracted myself.  This realization did not come from theory. It came from watching my body relapse every time I entered my room, lay on my bed, and opened YouTube just to rest .  What I saw was clear: Whenever fear, pressure, or uncertainty activated in my solar plexus, my system immediately looked for mental occupation not physical presence.  Chess was not the problem.  YouTube was not the problem.  They were permissions.  Permissions to leave the body.  --- The Root System   At some point early in my life, my body learned a rule:  > Stillness is unsafe. Silence is dangerous.  I did not learn this because som...

I did not wake up one day and decide to sabotage myself by projecting failure.  This habit was learned, trained, and reinforced over years of living inside the mind instead of directing myself as the physical body.  From a very early age, I learned that anticipating pain feels safer than meeting reality directly.  I learned that if I imagine the worst outcome first, I won't be surprised, embarrassed, or exposed later.  This is where projecting failure began - not as logic, but as self-protection.  Self-forgiveness on how I formed the habit : I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn, early in life, that mistakes lead to judgment, punishment, or loss of safety, instead of learning that mistakes are part of physical learning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate authority figures with threat, where feedback, correction, or comparison triggered fear instead of understanding.  I forgive myself that I have...

What I am facing is not just a belief.  It is an entire identity built through years of repetition, fear, expectations, pressure, survival, and wanting to be accepted.  This point did not appear today it is a system I built through thousands of tiny moments where I silently agreed that my value is equal to what I produce.  Below I walk through the root memories, the emotional imprinting, the family patterns, the school conditioning, and then apply deep self-forgiveness.   The Original Programming (Childhood)  One of the earliest imprints is the moment I realized that: when I did well, adults smiled when I failed, adults frowned When I worked hard, I was praised when I struggled, I was ignored or punished This taught my nervous system:  👉 Love = results  👉 Attention = performance  👉 Safety = pleasing others  👉 Worth = exhaustion  There was no unconditional acceptance only conditional worth.  This became my first internal belief: ...