Radouane's Journey to Life

  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a suppressed relationship to authority since childhood, where I learned that being seen, evaluated, or corrected by an authority figure meant that my value, safety, or place could be taken away.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow up in an environment where authority was not a point of support or guidance, but a point of comparison, judgment, and emotional pressure, and that I did not have the space to speak, to question, or to be heard equally.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to store anger and tension in my body specifically in my head, ears, solar plexus, and upper back because I could not express disagreement, frustration, or self-direction without fear of consequences.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn that defending myself openly was dangerous, and that therefore I learned to defend myse...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define authority as something threatening, instead of seeing authority as a functional role within physical reality.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to authority from fear stored in my body, instead of responding from presence and common sense.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense my body, especially my upper back and solar plexus, when authority speaks or directs, as if my safety is at risk.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate authority with punishment, humiliation, or force, instead of clarity, responsibility, and direction.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obey automatically, without self-direction, whenever authority is present.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my voice, explanation, and physical presence in the face of authority.  ...

  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that daily sharing in the Desteni process is about obligation, pressure, or proving something to others, instead of seeing that it is a tool for self-direction and self-responsibility.  I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that daily sharing is a tool for self-direction and self-responsibility because it forces me to face, own, forgive, and correct who I lived daily in physical reality, instead of letting the mind define me silently I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my daily self-writing from my daily sharing, without fully investigating the reasons why I choose to remain partially invisible.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write every day, yet limit my sharing to once a week in order to maintain control over how I am perceived.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a relationship with my father only as an idea in my mind, instead of a living physical interaction here.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use distance, silence, and non-communication as protection, while in fact using them to avoid responsibility.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father through past memories, judgments, and emotional charges, instead of seeing him as a human being equal to me in this physical reality.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for feelings of readiness, emotional clarity, or inner resolution before taking action, instead of realizing that action is what creates change, not emotions.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself either below my father, as a child seeking validation, or above him, as a judge withholding contact and in both cases refusin...

  Today, I want to share a very personal story a deep self-forgiveness about a decision I made as a child, a decision that shaped how I live even now.  The Decision That Was Never a Mistake As a child, I learned quickly that the world could be unpredictable. I learned, without words, that if I wasn't careful, if I wasn't vigilant, if I didn't stay awake and aware, danger would appear.  That danger didn't have to be physical it could be disapproval, judgment, withdrawal of attention, or the simple anxiety of living in a world I didn t understand.  So, I made a decision in my body:  I must stay alert.  I must always watch.  I must never relax, or I will be unsafe.  This wasn't a conscious thought. It wasn't a choice with reasoning. It was a bodily decision, a survival mechanism. My neck tensed. My back stiffened. My eyes stayed alert. My whole body said: I will hold this burden so I can survive.  This decision became a pattern. Even as I grew o...

Today my body stopped me.  I experienced insupportable pain in my upper back, between the ribs.  Not symbolic. Not emotional. Physical pain. I slowed down and asked myself a simple question: What am I carrying right now that is not physical?  I saw that I was running inner scenarios where I had to defend myself.  Explaining why I did not have enough results. Justifying my position.  Preparing explanations in advance as if judgment had already happened.  In this moment, I realized that my body was bracing. My upper back was tightening as if I needed to hold myself upright against an imagined future collapse.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in my head, preparing explanations and defenses for a future that has not happened, instead of remaining here with my physical body and breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value must be defended, explained, or justified, instead of stand...