Day 115 : Releasing the Childhood Decision: A Deep Self-Forgiveness and Commitment to My Body

 

Today, I want to share a very personal story a deep self-forgiveness about a decision I made as a child, a decision that shaped how I live even now. 

The Decision That Was Never a Mistake As a child, I learned quickly that the world could be unpredictable. I learned, without words, that if I wasn't careful, if I wasn't vigilant, if I didn't stay awake and aware, danger would appear. 

That danger didn't have to be physical it could be disapproval, judgment, withdrawal of attention, or the simple anxiety of living in a world I didn t understand. 

So, I made a decision in my body: 

I must stay alert.

 I must always watch.

 I must never relax, or I will be unsafe.

 This wasn't a conscious thought. It wasn't a choice with reasoning. It was a bodily decision, a survival mechanism. My neck tensed. My back stiffened. My eyes stayed alert. My whole body said: I will hold this burden so I can survive. 

This decision became a pattern. Even as I grew older, even as life changed, my body kept this decision alive. 

My mind called it responsibility. My body called it tension. My behaviors called it perfectionism, control, and later even addiction. 

How This Decision Shows Up Today As an adult, this decision still activates in subtle ways: 

I monitor myself constantly. 

I measure my performance against others. 

I react physically when I perceive a lapse: neck tension, back pain, energy spikes. 

When I feel overwhelmed, I look for quick relief YouTube, random chat, scrolling anything to soothe the tension my body carries. 

And every time I try to understand why I do these things, my mind spirals. I forget that the decision itself is the root, and that the body has been carrying it for me since I was a child. 

A Deep Self  Forgiveness So today, 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as a child, to make the decision that I must always be alert and watchful in order to be safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to decide that alertness = safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry tension and energy in my body—my neck, upper back, eyes, solar plexus—as a way to hold onto this perceived safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry tension, fear, and responsibility in my muscles, my spine, my eyes, and my body because at the time, that was the only way to survive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to apply this childhood decision into adulthood, believing that relaxation, letting go, or slowing down equals danger, and that I must constantly monitor and control myself to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to  allow this decision to continue influencing my life, my choices, and my behaviors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek relief through distractions, addictive behaviors, or mental engagement, instead of seeing that the tension and vigilance are the body holding the original decision, and that it can be released physically through  the body .

 I forgive myself for every moment I judged myself for having tension in my neck or for seeking relief in temporary distractions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, criticize, and doubt myself for having these patterns, rather than seeing them as a survival mechanism from a child that no longer serves life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to try to solve a bodily survival mechanism with thinking instead of present, awareness, physical action. 

I commit myself to when I notice tension, alertness, or energy  in my body, I stop immediately and breathe fully and deeply. I move slowly and in awareness , releasing tension and what no longer serves me. I direct my body in breath and movement, stabilizing myself as the physical.

I commit myself to stop creating unnecessary mind energy that I then attempt to compensate through distractions, addictions, or mental reasoning.

I realize that distractions are not relief, but energy compensation — a form of avoiding direct self-direction as the physical.

When and as I notice the urge to distract myself, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back here in the body, directing myself in physical movement and practical action instead of following the mind.

I commit myself to live self-direction consistently, so that no energy is generated that requires compensation.

I commit myself to direct my body through breath, movement, and physical presence, rather than following thoughts or emotions, and to apply consistent physical correction each time this pattern arises until it no longer exists.

I commit myself to practice this  consistently in awareness and presence, moment by moment, until this pattern no longer activates because I am directing myself here as the physical.

I commit myself to direct myself as breath and physical movement when this pattern arises, stopping the reaction, grounding myself here, and applying corrective action in real time. I commit myself to live this correction consistently until this decision no longer exists as a pattern in my body.