Day 119: Deconstructing My Mind-Programmed Relationship to Authority

 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a suppressed relationship to authority since childhood, where I learned that being seen, evaluated, or corrected by an authority figure meant that my value, safety, or place could be taken away. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow up in an environment where authority was not a point of support or guidance, but a point of comparison, judgment, and emotional pressure, and that I did not have the space to speak, to question, or to be heard equally. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to store anger and tension in my body specifically in my head, ears, solar plexus, and upper back because I could not express disagreement, frustration, or self-direction without fear of consequences. 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn that defending myself openly was dangerous, and that therefore I learned to defend myself internally through tension, heat, and racing thoughts instead of through stable, physical communication.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate authority with being reduced, where my efforts, intentions, and self-expression could be dismissed with one sentence, and where I learned to brace myself instead of standing here equal.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with automatic anger when authority questions my method or way of working, because my body remembers a time when questioning meant loss of dignity, recognition, or emotional safety. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience heat in my head and ears as an automatic survival response, instead of realizing that this is old stored energy from childhood, not a present-moment threat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse professional feedback with personal invalidation, because as a child I was not shown the difference between correction and rejection.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my sense of worth through anger, instead of realizing that my worth is not created or destroyed by authority figures, past or present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry resentment toward authority figures who remind me of my past, projecting unresolved childhood experiences onto current relationships. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live moments of my adult life from memory stored in the nervous system, instead of from physical presence here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is who I am in these moments, instead of seeing it as a signal of an unresolved self-relationship that I now have the responsibility to change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impact others with my unresolved anger, even unconsciously, instead of remaining stable and equal in my interactions. 

When and as I notice the heat rising in my head, ears, solar plexus, and upper back, I stop. I breathe. I bring myself back into my body. I do not follow the thoughts. I do not justify the reaction. I stay here in presence. I observe my thoughts as memory, not as truth.

I release the tension and let the energy settle. 

I realize that this anger is not about the present authority figure. It is the activation of a childhood survival strategy that no longer serves me. 

I realize that my reactions impact my interactions with others and the energy of the environment. 

I realize that my worth is inherent, and no external evaluation can add or remove it. 

I realize that equality and presence are the foundation of relating to authority and all beings.

 Self-Corrective Commitments (Core, Best-for-All Application) 

I commit myself to no longer live authority through stored anger. 

I commit myself to remain physically present, hearing feedback as information, not as a threat. 

I commit myself to direct my body in moments of evaluation, instead of allowing memory to direct me. 

I commit myself to observe my thoughts about authority without acting upon them, realizing they are memory, not truth. 

I commit myself to interact with authority from a place of equality, seeing their role as functional rather than threatening, while maintaining my dignity and presence. 

I commit myself to resolve my authority anger in a way that serves myself, the other, and all, by bringing stability, equality, and clarity into every interaction. 

I commit myself to end the cycle where my past decides my present reactions. 

I commit myself to transform my nervous system patterns, releasing tension stored from childhood and creating space for calm, physical presence.

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