Day 114 : Putting the Weight of the Future Down



Today my body stopped me. 

I experienced insupportable pain in my upper back, between the ribs. 

Not symbolic. Not emotional. Physical pain. I slowed down and asked myself a simple question: What am I carrying right now that is not physical?

 I saw that I was running inner scenarios where I had to defend myself. 

Explaining why I did not have enough results. Justifying my position. 

Preparing explanations in advance as if judgment had already happened. 

In this moment, I realized that my body was bracing. My upper back was tightening as if I needed to hold myself upright against an imagined future collapse.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in my head, preparing explanations and defenses for a future that has not happened, instead of remaining here with my physical body and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value must be defended, explained, or justified, instead of standing equal to myself as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry responsibility for outcomes that are not yet real, storing that responsibility as tension in my back and shallow breathing in my chest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brace my upper back, tightening my muscles as if I must hold it together, instead of allowing my body to relax and support itself naturally. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the picture of someone who must always be prepared, always ready to explain, always anticipating being judged or removed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stop thinking, rehearsing, and defending, I will not be safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from my physical body and place my attention in imagined conversations, imagined futures, and imagined failures. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the body's communication until pain became the only language left. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the mind to try to control life, instead of directing myself here in breath, step by step. As I breathe, I see clearly: My back was not weak. My body was not failing. My body was carrying the future for me. And the body is not designed to live in the future. It is designed to live here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that the only point of power is this breath, this movement, this step. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat the future as a responsibility instead of something that will be dealt with when and only when it becomes real. 

I commit myself to stop rehearsing explanations and defenses when I notice tension building in my back or my breath becoming shallow. 

I commit myself to, in those moments, bring my attention back to my feet, my breath, and the physical task in front of me. 

I commit myself to no longer carry imagined outcomes in my body, but to meet life as it arrives, one moment at a time. 

I commit myself to trust my ability to respond when something is real, instead of punishing my body in advance. 

I commit myself to live what is best for all by standing equal to my body, not using it as a storage space for fear, pressure, or responsibility that does not belong to this moment. When the body says enough, I listen. I stop. I breathe. And I return here.

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