Day 47 : Giving up part 1. Day 6 of 21.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand what is the system within the mind that is involved with contributing to the emotional experience and physical possession of giving up. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize what and who within the mind consciousness system  drives me and motivates me to that point of giving up and with it motivating and driving me to the point of giving up it becomes an emotional reaction as well as a physical possession. In other words I get driven to giving up on an energetic level as well as a physical level. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that this particular system that is involved with this or such a reaction or response to something or someone within my minds and or my worlds is quite different to most systems or emotional reactions that I have walked thus far because it reaches out not only into my minds but also my physical body.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that when I give up I really fall within myself or it feels like my physical body and also my life and living experience like the moment I give up everything falls. I fall, my mind falls and my world and reality falls as well.  

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see within this actually illustrates a fascinating point which is if I give up and I fall within my  minds or within my physical or something or someone in my world and reality falls and collapses it shows that I am actually more interconnected to my mind, myself, my physical and my life than I actually realize because if I have a look at before the moment of giving up and falling it's like I was quite in a relationship to something in my mind or someone in my  physical realities that I was managing it to some degree but then I got driven and motivated and forced slowly but surely into and as this emotional and physical experience of giving up and then suddenly it felt like I have lost a handle on the point within my mind or the something or someone in my world then it felt inside myself like I'm losing this handle this grip this control that I had over it then I believe that loss of control or grip and as the moment I believe I've lost control or I've lost my grip on things and then I am already really forced and pushed and possessed into and as this giving up.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand  the phases within which the giving up process manifests and take note of  this phases because if I can identify these phases I can already stop the giving up process from triggering within me from already the phase one.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that because this giving up point extends into my mind and into my beingness and physical body to manifest the eventual point where I give up takes time it takes quite a bit of time for it to manifest, I don't just on the whim make a decision to give up and then it happens with a magic wand swinging. The mind or consciousness really has to slyly and subtly manipulate me into and as the process of giving up because within that my mind or consciousness actually benefits exponentially. My mind or consciousness is like the most fascinating thing in that when the giving up system or activates and the process starts unfolding I must know that the point within my mind or the something or someone within my life that I'm in the process of giving up on I'm actually at the optimum point in my relationship to that something or someone within myself or my world to transcend a particular relationship.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that  the giving up is actually where things are going quite well in relation to something within myself or my world and reality where I'm at a point a pivotal point of change of transformation of transcendence where if I would move within and beyond and through that point a particular construct or program or system pattern or relationship within my mind will cease to exist and I will actually emerge. So instead, the mind consciousness system will go oh no if this being is going to get through this relationship or this something or someone within themselves or their worlds I'm not going to get my energy so that's also why giving up such an emotional process that also affects me physically. It can really bowl me over within myself and my life because it goes to the total opposite polarity of what I could have been and done and changed and expressed within myself and my  world so the moment things are actually going how they're supposed to the mind goes things are this being is aligned very specifically in all their relationships it's going well this is unacceptable I need my energy I need my emotions and then it'll start with the phases.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that giving up  starts with phase one where I'm onto a point within myself right like for example a particular habitual thought pattern and reaction pattern and I'm onto it meaning it's like I'm really in the grips of it and I am starting to really investigate and introspect the particular thoughts and the emotions connected to it now as I'm going deeper and deeper and further and further into this point it obviously starts opening up a lot more networks and relationships and memories and things I'm starting to open up a particular habit or pattern as a program that was in my mind for a very long time but now what's interesting is when I get deeper and deeper into a point and it actually becomes more and more and more as it opens up I'm actually going into the right direction.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that when I'm dealing with thoughts in my conscious mind or simply little reactions in my solar plexus I am dealing with a very limited view of what is really within and behind that or such a one thought and one reaction there's actually so much more within and behind it. But then consciousness comes and actually uses that against me it goes it starts with these planting these uh these little voices in my head saying it's too much it's too overwhelming there's so much information I can't handle this the more I go in the more it's going to be. I'm never going to get through this um oh I'm missing so much points uh the emotions are too intense so it's like my consciousness is making the reality of what I'm walking to be something negative or bad .

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that realistically speaking as I'm walking a program it does become more it does become more overwhelming and more extensive and more intense because I'm going deeper and deeper into it and I'm expanding this entire program to see it for what it is.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that when I'm walking a point my mind is very small it's like this system that is manifested into my physical body. If I look in my conscious mind it's only a few little thoughts that every now and then comes up or some memories I have a conversation in my mind here and there have an imagination for a while have a bit of emotions and feelings. It's only here and there every now and then but it's almost like one at a time type thing it's because there's so much a little space in my  conscious mind that it can only handle such one at a time things. So obviously what's going to happen when I start looking into things I'm going to try and fit more information in a very little space so that's also why it creates the experience of it being so much and I can't handle it and there's just more things coming out and opening up 

So, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that it's not necessarily me on a beingness or awareness level that is experiencing it to be too much or too overwhelming it's more my little conscious mind space that can't fit so much things in at the same time that's opening up as I for example writing as I for example looking at things within myself. And this become better when I start moving out of my conscious mind more and start stabilizing myself into my physical body where there is a lot more space to look at things. And if I ever look also at my writing process and how much more information and points I can handle in one blog of writing for example it's an exceptional amount more than with when what I started with initially. Initially was maybe like some thoughts and emotions and some insights here and there to eventually where sometimes even before I start writing it's like I see the whole damn thing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that within this what has facilitated that is where me on my beingness level has slowly but surely came out of my conscious mind containment and merge myself more in the physical body where there's a lot more space to stabilize myself  and have a look at a lot more information so this is why it is also so very important in my process to do my writing and as well as my breathing when especially I'm writing I want to stabilize in my breathing so that I'm in my body and I can look at things within myself and in my writing because in that looking through breathing in the physical I'm giving myself in my body the space to bring in a lot more information and points to open up and look at a lot more comfortably but if I start looking at things only in my head and I want to take on a whole program and look at it only in the confines of my little conscious mind it's not going to fit in there it literally almost doesn't fit it cannot handle an entire program within my conscious mind so therefore that also is something that my mind can use against me 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that in the dimensions of phase one, I start looking at the point inside myself only I start mulling it around in my head I  don't write it out I don't stabilize myself in breath to look at it I start looking at it with reactions. That's my phase one.

So I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that the mind is like oh dear this being is really getting into this point and opening it up I must separate this being from this point the only way to separate myself from it is through reacting to it so then the mind starts feeding me those voices it's too much it's too busy too many too much information I'm never going to get through this so many things are opening up I don't have time, time is against me rather go and relax do some entertainment this point is burdening you so much in your mind you need to de-stress. All sorts of things can come up inside my voices in the head 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to identify this phase one,  am I at the moment walking a point within myself where I feel like I'm at that phase or stage of just wanting to give up um where the context of the little voices in the head has been it's too much um it's been so long you're not getting anywhere um you need to relax more you need to let it go for just a moment uh you know things like that any voices in my head that has been speaking in relation to a point that I've been facing in my mind and within that where I  had also then built up reactions to that very point where I'm reacting to it in anger or irritation or frustration anything like that.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that this phase one essentially starts with the voices and then reactions to the point that I'm facing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to identify the voices what sorts have I been having in relation to the point within myself and what are the reactions that I'm having in relation to the point whenever it comes up whenever I'm writing about it or facing it  what is the first initial reaction within myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that within this phase one if I continue with this in relation to that point I am now busy creating a completely different persona almost in relation to the point that I'm supposed to face. So the mind is actually using my own weakness against myself to create a whole new personality so I'm not facing the point in fact , the thought pattern or the reaction pattern or the program all I'm  doing by reacting to it the whole time and listening to the voices in the head is I'm giving the mind the necessary information and energy to keep on building a personality now I'm becoming this personality that's reacting to a point that I'm supposed to be facing writing about understanding introspecting and investigating with stability so I can keep me in that loop for quite a long time it kind of depends how long the mind wants to keep you there keep you there for a week few days sometimes months sometimes even years where you hold the same point within yourself because it might be producing particular specific emotional energies that I'm not getting anywhere else in my world and so eventually it'll use you in that way and finally in phase two drive me to a point where I get into this very pulls me into this very deep dark pit and this particular system is like almost it looks quite similar to a black hole that's situated in my spine right in the center of my back and literally pulls my beingness into that black hole then I start feeling depressed where I start feeling low where I start feeling weak I start feeling tired and then I start having these voices in the head saying i'm so tired i can't do this i'm not strong enough this point is too much just when i give up i've been fighting for so long and as the mind is pulling my beingness into that black hole in the center of my back with the new voices in the head this particular point inside my  mind is busy strengthening even more and more and more because what my mind consciousness system is doing in the background is it's pulling me into a depression into a negative into that black hole and then connecting me to a polarity within that point that I'm giving up on and feeding that point positive energy but this is happening in the background that I'm not yet aware of because I'm not yet existent within the multidimensions of the mind in that level a mind makes that positive so it can more easily drive me into the negative into really giving up and giving in and then there the mind wins because the point stays it has developed nice emotions out of me pulled me into that particular point and then it'll slowly but surely push me back into the mind consciousness system where everything is more again in an equilibrium and I continue with my mind consciousness system life this is how I was driven to give up on process where I'm actually very close to realizing something and transcending something and facing but then the mind unfolds the phase one and the phase two of the giving up process so that I  can just be stabilized and equalized within the mind.

 I commit myself to have a look first practically identify the voices and the reactions get those voices what is it that I kind of through consciousness say to myself in relation to a point in the mind so that I can catch them when they come up again those voices come  oh my mind's trying to activate the giving up process this means that i'm actually where i'm supposed to be in relation to the point that i'm facing that i'm getting into the nitty-gritty of this particular program to transcend it and change it