Day 48 : Giving up part 2. Day 7 of 21.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that if a point within my mind or within my world and my reality was literally tied to me, in other words, I could see a rope extending from inside my brain to a particular personality or thought pattern or emotional and feeling reactions that I'm facing.  And there's a rope extending from my brain to this particular personality or thought or emotion. And this particular construct or part of the mind has got a lot of weight to it, like it's this really massive cement stone block and it was kind of pulling itself away from me or pulling itself in an opposite direction. And I'm trying to pull it to the other direction, like I'm in this fight against my own thoughts or emotions and personalities.  And it so turns out that my personality or thought or emotion, the very weight that it consists of, existing of the substance of stone or cement, is pulling so much and so hard. And I in my physical body, in my beingness, do not have that equal amount of strength. There I've got something of a practical giving up.  Because here I'm having a look at the dynamics between physics. The same in my world and my reality. If there was an actual rope that I could see extend from within myself to a particular person or part within my world and my reality and that person or that point or part is this massive stone cement block pulling itself away from me. And I'm trying to hold on to this rope, to hold on to and try and handle that something or someone. But, simply because of physical matter and physics, that particular something or someone is obviously a lot more stronger and heavier and bigger than me. I mean, I'm gonna give up.  So here, we obviously know that reality does not work that way.

So I forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that giving up has got everything to do with my mind. Now, it and within that, because it's got everything to do with my mind, it is an illusion that's being created. What I know about my mind is that it can make things seem so real. And here, going back to what I had practically walked in the previous blog, to identify the thoughts and backchats and emotions that comes up within my mind in relation to a point I'm facing within myself or my world, where what it's slowly but surely busy doing is manipulating me into the belief and the experience that I cannot handle that something or someone or that I don't have the strength or the ability or the capability to see something through or to get through something. And so here is another weakness that the mind use against me, which is that relationship to my mind where I simply blindly believe, all the thoughts or backchats and emotions that come up without questioning it. And that's why it can so easily bring up these voices in the head, that says to me, this point is too much. It's too overwhelming. You cannot do this. You can't make it. It's too much, you're not getting anywhere. You might as well just give up, things like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the moment I buy into it, the moment I believe it, I make it a part of myself and then I start believing that it's me saying these things and that I am these things and that because I'm saying these things and I am these things, it cannot be changed. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to practically assist and support myself in relation to the phase one of giving up and walk my self forgiveness process. And have a look at a very specific sound in relation to the self forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to believe such voices in the head, such emotional reactions.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand what's happening, what my mind is doing is turning me against myself. When I am facing a point inside my mind or my world that I've been, investigating and introspecting and as I go deeper and deeper into the points within the mind or within my world, I'm getting to know the particular program within my mind that I've become or the particular habit, pattern or addiction that I've accepted and allowed in my world, in my reality. And within that process, with going deeper and opening up the points even more, I've got to understand that with it becoming me, it is me within my mind I've accepted and allowed the pattern or program or habit and construct and system to exist within and as me. So here, the protection and defense mechanism that consciousness utilize is, I can't walk through my own mind with absolute stability and awareness, rather turn me against myself by, creating a separation and reactions and resistances to the very programs or constructs and systems within my mind or within my life that I'm busy facing. So this is what that mean with consciousness turning me against myself that will lead me into the process of giving up.  Like for example, If within myself, I am facing a point of where I tend to become very nervous when I am communicating with others or where I am with a group of people and I have now committed to start investigating and introspecting the point and it's like the more I started writing about it and opening it up, now it started feeling like this point had become more extreme and extensive, it's like now when I want to speak with people or on a group of people it's like this nervousness is becoming so much more intense and overwhelming and then from there my mind started with the voices, in the head like saying to me, it's useless and, might as well just accept it, you're always going to be nervous and, as they always say, you've got to accept yourself for who you are and so therefore, I'm just simply nervous and that is who I am and that is how I am type thing. So then that started happening because I started reacting against myself, where if I have a look at that moment where the nervousness presumably became more intense and more extensive. I say presumably because what I have to realize is when I'm investigating and introspecting a point and I am becoming more aware of them, they will seem to become more, okay, like my mind becoming more busy and the energies are becoming more intense but it's not really in fact so, it's that they've always been so intense, they've always been so overwhelming, I've just not been aware of it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I'm, for example, investigating and introspecting a point in my writing and forgiveness and I'm getting to the commitments and then I put myself out there to in practical reality, real time, change and transform myself sin relationship to it, that within that I'm going to become more aware and awareness means that I'm going to essentially stand more equal to and one with the particular point or program and construct and system within the mind, where if I have a look at that nervousness and when I started writing about it, I could see, why it is that I became nervous, what was the memories that were involved, I can start seeing what how my thoughts move to contribute to creating the nervousness, I can see what it is that triggers it, it's like this whole reality in relation to nervousness with communicating with others or being in a group, like opens up. And so therefore, when I meet it in real time, in reality, when the nervousness activates, it's like all of the nervousness activates that I have become aware of and therefore with my awareness, seeing and being within the nervousness and everything that it consists of, that's why it feels so overwhelming so much more, but it's not that it really in fact is because the common sense question that I've got to ask myself is or even just look at for myself is that I did not during that time where I was introspecting and investigating nervousness, I didn't go and create more nervousness, I didn't go and create more thoughts about it or memories or backchats and things like that, it just opened up within me. So therefore, from where in the previous moment I face nervousness, where it was just like the energy that I'm aware of to the next stage where I was more aware of everything, I'm walking into two different realities of nervousness in relation to awareness. 

So I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to within this, see, realize and understand that it's not ever that something becomes suddenly more, it's always been that moreness, I have just not been aware of it. So whenever I'm walking through points within my mind and I had gotten into the investigating and introspecting through my writing and forgiveness and commitments and it feels sometimes like, when I get to the stage of changing myself in real time and I get to that moment and it feels like this tsunami wave is just hitting me, I have to breathe and just remind myself that I can handle this, I can direct this, it only feels so much more because I'm so much more aware of it and because I'm so much more aware of it, I actually have the strength to be able to direct myself within it more effectively.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I get to that point of change when I am in that moment where it feels like the tsunami wave is hitting me, instead of me realizing, oh my god, I'm actually much more aware of this in this moment and in this awareness, I can thus, channel my strength within myself and direct myself within this all more effectively, I go, oh my god, this is too big, this is too much, I don't know where I am or who I am or what's happening, am I left or right or even standing up, what's happening in my mind, what's happening with the energy, so when the whole point opens up in the moment because I had become more aware of it, I instead give up in relationship to it instead of standing within that moment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to  have a look at changing where instead of the mind becoming overwhelming or interpreted as being overwhelming where I'm just really actually in fact more aware, where instead of just giving up in those moments, I actually find that point within myself where I can stand and be absolutely stable, because it is also within this that I must realize when, let's go back to that moment where I was just generally like aware of nervousness, this is also something that consciousness does, it creates like this equation, this relationship between my awareness and beingness within the mind and the thoughts and energies that come up within my conscious and subconscious mind, the equation is where the mind or consciousness will create this illusion, that my awareness or beingness is more than the thoughts or the energies within my conscious and subconscious mind, meaning that if I have a look at the thoughts that come up or the emotions and feelings in my everyday life, the general stuff, it's more like these small little bursts of thoughts and memories or imaginations and emotions and feelings that come up, they kind of feel small to me. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to observe this within and throughout my day practically, and have a look at the experience of energies that come up in my solar plexus and the thoughts and memories and imaginations and things like that, and  have a look at what busies my mind and how big or small the points are and I'll find for most part the energy experiences feel quite small in my solar plexus and also the thoughts and memories and things feel quite small that's coming up in my conscious and subconscious mind. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, that my consciousness will maintain this relationship where it gives this illusion that, ah, these are just little small energies that's coming up, it's just little small thoughts and memories and words and things that's coming up in my mind, it's no biggie, it's not threatening at all and so therefore I'll be more readily accepting these types of things that's coming up in my conscious and subconscious mind, but now I become more aware of a particular program, okay, taking again that nervousness previously I would have just accepted it, because it was just, this nervousness that was coming up every now and then, there was just a small burst of energy in my stomach area and it made my body feel like a bit uncomfortable but, it wasn't like as threatening and until, I started investigating process and realizing there's actually more to emotional reactions than meets the eye and I started doing my introspection, investigation and my writing and this whole reality opened up about, really seeing this entire program within my consciousness and how it is that I have come to accept and allow nervousness and that I can actually change it, but then, I get to that pivotal moment of change because I have done my writing, my forgiveness and my commitments, I've laid out the entire program,, I see how it works and I see what I need to do to change it, but then the consciousness protection and defense mechanism comes up and it goes, okay, being, all right, awareness, take this and then consciousness makes my nervousness a massive thing, it changes that equation and then it kind of says, I'm bigger than you, I'm much more than you, it's like consciousness makes itself so threatening and now just because it's like more and bigger and overwhelming, I look at it in a way of an equation, I believe that the point is bigger than me, is more than me, is overwhelming, So I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to  watch out for that point as well and become more aware of in my day-to-day living participation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to when an emotional energy comes or a point in the mind starts, and it becomes bigger and bigger and more and more and more, I have to start observing that moment where it creates this illusion that it becomes bigger and more than me and so therefore I'm smaller and less than and inferior to it and that can also push me into that point and process of giving up, completely just letting the mind be and let the thoughts go and let the reactions go.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become aware of this, and see this for myself in how it is that the mind poses as being non-threatening, and so therefore I'll more easily and readily accept the thoughts and emotions where it's like just little bursts and then moments where the mind makes itself threatening, in making the emotional reactions more and making the thoughts more busy inside my mind/

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have a look with the self-forgiveness process of these two dimensions where firstly I  have a look at the self-forgiveness process for accepting and allowing myself to blindly believe, these voices in the head that tells me I can't do it, it's too much, it's not worth it, I can't make it, things like that and then the second dimension is having a look at how it is that I've accepted and allowed myself to turn myself against myself, where I have to see, realize and understand that with having reactions to points I'm facing such as nervousness, if I react to nervousness in separating myself from it, making it this thing that is this monster, then, I'm never going to be able to get to know it and walk through it and transcend it because it is a part of me, nervousness has become a part of me and now I'm separating myself from myself as that nervousness and here, like, what also then happens within this is that if I do not then walk through the nervousness, for example, and instead give up, I am then not able to see who I really am beyond that nervousness, because what exists beyond mind patterns and constructs and systems and emotional and feeling energies are self-expressions, are parts of myself that I have separated myself from. So as long as I keep reacting to things in my mind, I'm never going to get access into my real self, if I will, because the access into my real self is literally walking through constructs and patterns and systems and emotional and feeling energies within my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that this entire giving up process keeps me  locked into and as as mind consciousness system and as long as any point of giving up exists within and as me, I must know that I will not and cannot change, so then I'm going to finally be walking this point into how it is that I can stop accepting and allowing giving up to exist within me, to once and for all close that back door, that I can have the trust and the stand within myself that when facing points and walking through them, I will get it and get through it until it's done,  not give up but continue standing.