Radouane's Journey to Life

There are moments in life when the mind reveals itself with brutal honesty.  Not in thoughts. Not in emotions. But directly in the flesh.  A phone rings. A responsible person is about to answer. And suddenly without a single thought my heart starts beating like I am being hunted. No reason. No logic. No decision. Just an automatic body-possession.  This is where I as human being meet the truth of who I have created myself  to be: a system programmed to fear authority, failure, rejection, and evaluation.  Long before I learned how to think. This heart-race is the unconscious speaking.  And it's saying:  You are still a child inside yourself. You are still reacting to authority as if it determines your survival. You are not here in breath you are reliving a memory.  To understand this, I must walk backward into the body, into the points I don't want to admit.  --- THE BODY DOES NOT LIE  Thoughts lie.  Emotions lie.  Beliefs lie....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fear of failure in childhood, the moment I saw that success gave me special treatment, attention, and love and to make that feeling more important than being myself.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link success with survival, to believe that achieving first place was the only way to be seen, supported, or valued.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the smile on my father's face as proof that I am good enough instead of realizing that worth is not something I earn, it is something I live. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to translate the privileged treatment I got when I succeeded into a belief that love must be earned through performance and perfection.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing love when I do not succeed, to fear becoming invisible or unwanted when I am not the best....

Who Is Still in Control? When I ask myself, Is the mind still in control?  I immediately see that the question itself already hides the real point: I am the one accepting and allowing the mind to be in control.  It is not that the mind has some independent power. It is that I am still automatically accepting its movements, reactions, interpretations, fears, desires, energies as me.  So the real question is:  Why am I still accepting and allowing this?  I see that when the mind feels overwhelming, the overwhelmingness itself is something I participate in. It doesn't appear magically. I have to agree with the thoughts, feelings, fears, internal conversations that feed the experience of overwhelm. I see that I am the one *deciding* the overwhelmingness not consciously at first, but through habitual acceptance: * I accept the reaction of stress. I accept the thought it s too much. I accept the fear of failing. I accept the desire to escape. An...

 There is a moment inside each of us that we rarely see.   A moment that comes before a thought, before an emotion, before the picture in the mind. A moment where the body moves on its own. A hand reaches for the phone. A chest tightens. A pulse accelerates.   A familiar urge rises. And suddenly it feels like I already started. This is the unconscious loop. It is not personal. It is not emotional. It is not even psychological.   It is programming in the flesh a body-memory that activates long before the conscious mind catches up. This article is my process of opening, exposing, and forgiving this loop, point by point, layer by layer. --- The Unconscious Loop The unconscious loop is the level of the mind that operates without your permission. Not because you are weak. Not because you failed. But because the unconscious mind is a pre-designed system built through: childhood conditioning accumulated repetitions emotional imprints body-memory stor...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use YouTube, random chat, games, and scrolling as a way to escape being here with my body . I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the silence that exists when I stop stimulation — because in that silence, I meet myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate rest with escape , believing that if I disconnect, I will recover — not realizing that disconnection is separation from life itself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rest through energy , to try to feel better through dopamine, instead of allowing my body to rest through breathing and presence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort in energy instead of stability in physical reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to disappear into videos rather than stand up and direct my life — because I fear failure, rejection, and...