Day 105 : Deep Self-Forgiveness on Escaping Into Energy, YouTube, and random Chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use YouTube, random chat, games, and scrolling as a way to escape being here with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the silence that exists when I stop stimulation — because in that silence, I meet myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate rest with escape, believing that if I disconnect, I will recover — not realizing that disconnection is separation from life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rest through energy, to try to feel better through dopamine, instead of allowing my body to rest through breathing and presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort in energy instead of stability in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to disappear into videos rather than stand up and direct my life — because I fear failure, rejection, and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace physical living with mental simulation, believing that watching others live or succeed is the same as me living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I deserve entertainment after working, not realizing that this is the reward-system of the mind designed to keep me enslaved to energy cycles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body and my mind are separate, not realizing that every click, every image, every fantasy imprints energy into my physical flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through overstimulation, random chat, fantasy, and excessive screen time — draining the substance of my life force for temporary mental highs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the pain in my back, the tension in my solar plexus, the weakness in my breath — all as signals that I am leaving the physical and entering the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own weakness, to deliberately sabotage my physical stability so that I have an excuse not to face responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can’t live stability without stimulation — not realizing that stability is who I am when I stop feeding energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself after I fall,
creating guilt and shame that I use as another excuse to escape again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use guilt as energy, to punish myself mentally instead of standing up practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the pattern of fall–shame–escape, instead of stopping the cycle in one breath and moving myself physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own potential, because I know that if I live fully, I will have no more excuses and no more addictions to hide behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed off the illusion of progress, thinking, planning, dreaming — instead of moving one breath, one word, one call in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define weekends as “mine” — a space for indulgence —
instead of realizing that every day is equal,
and my responsibility to myself does not end on Friday night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that comfort equals safety, not realizing that comfort is death when it comes from avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myselfwto distrust myself to walk consistently,
and so I look for stimulation or external approval instead of self-movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to abandon my process for moments of energy,
instead of seeing that energy always fades, but self-trust accumulates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to create my room as a possession zone,
charging it with the energy of fantasy, laziness, and distraction —

instead of grounding it as a space of breath, discipline, and creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to fear the moment after work —
because it is the moment where I either live or fall,
and I’ve been choosing to fall, out of habit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to confuse freedom with lack of direction,
not realizing that real freedom is the ability to direct myself within structure and consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to believe that “stability is boring” — not realizing that stability is life,
and excitement is the illusion of the mind feeding on energy highs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to run from breath, to fear stillness,
to fear seeing the extent of my self-created separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to idolize energy, to worship stimulation as life,
instead of realizing that energy is the movement of decay —
and real life is here in the physical substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to fear the physical because I’ve made the mind my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to think that change is far away,
when in fact every single breath is a new choice to live or to escape.

🌬️ When and As I Notice

When and as I notice the urge to open YouTube, random chat, or games —
I stop, I breathe, I feel my hands, I move physically.
I realize this urge is not me — it’s a residue of my past programming,
and I no longer feed it.

When and as I notice guilt or shame,
I stop and breathe. I realize guilt is just the mind’s way of holding me in the past.
I move — I correct — I breathe here.

When and as I feel resistance to TechnoTutor or self-forgiveness,
I realize that resistance is proof that this point is real —
and that I am touching the very program that has controlled me.

💎 Self-Commitment

I commit myself to live rest as physical presence,
to stop using energy as escape.

I commit myself to transform my room into a physical space of creation —
clean, grounded, directive — no more mind energy.

I commit myself to make my body my home,
to feel my breath before I reach for a screen.

I commit myself to walk this correction until the energy dissolves,
until my very resonance is pure, stable, and directive.

I commit myself to be patient and ruthless with myself —
not gentle in compromise, but gentle in standing up every time I fall.

I commit myself to live the word REST as physical regeneration, not escape.
I commit myself to live the word STABILITY as my natural state.


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