Day 109 : THE HEART-RACE: HOW AUTHORITY STILL OWNS Me

There are moments in life when the mind reveals itself with brutal honesty. 

Not in thoughts. Not in emotions. But directly in the flesh. 

A phone rings. A responsible person is about to answer. And suddenly without a single thought my heart starts beating like I am being hunted. No reason. No logic. No decision. Just an automatic body-possession. 

This is where I as human being meet the truth of who I have created myself  to be: a system programmed to fear authority, failure, rejection, and evaluation.

 Long before I learned how to think. This heart-race is the unconscious speaking. 

And it's saying:  You are still a child inside yourself. You are still reacting to authority as if it determines your survival. You are not here in breath you are reliving a memory. 

To understand this, I must walk backward into the body, into the points I don't want to admit. 

--- THE BODY DOES NOT LIE 

Thoughts lie. 

Emotions lie. 

Beliefs lie. 

But the body does not lie. When my heart beats fast before speaking to an authority, I am seeing: 

fear of being evaluated 

fear of failing publicly 

fear of disappointing someone 

fear of not being good enough 

fear of losing value.

These are not adult fears. These are childhood survival memories placed in the chest. A child learns early: 

If I fail → I lose acceptance. 

If I make a mistake → I am judged. 

If I disappoint → I am punished or ignored. 

If I am not perfect → I am not safe. 

The body never forgets this. 

And so, as adult  years later, a simple work call becomes: danger judgment survival, Even if consciously I understand: There is no danger. It's only a phone call. 

The unconscious body does not care about my conscious logic. It reacts automatically because it has not been rewritten. 

This is where self-forgiveness enters. Not as religion. Not as spirituality. Not as emotion. But as the tool to rewrite the human being from the inside out.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a child inside my own body when facing authority, instead of standing as an adult, here in breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my heart race automatically as if an authority figure has power over my life, survival, or value. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store childhood fear memories in my chest, and to relive them every time I face responsibility or the possibility of making a mistake. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that authority determines who I am, instead of realizing that only I decide who I am in every breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear repeating past mistakes, as if failing means losing love, acceptance, or survival recreating the old relationship I had with parents, teachers, and adults.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others because I have not yet stopped judging myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in my chest as breath, but to abandon my physical presence and allow the unconscious to take over the heartbeat and the body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush inside myself, trying to be perfect, trying to impress, trying to not fail, instead of simply being here, breathing, speaking, and directing.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my worth depend on achieving, succeeding, and performing instead of realizing that self-worth is self-created in every breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect responsibility with fear instead of with stability. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making errors, because I defined errors as proof that I am not good enough, instead of seeing that mistakes are part of physical learning.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare for rejection before it even happens, living in past memories instead of present reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody the belief that I must be perfect or I will lose something, instead of realizing that perfection is a personality I created out of fear.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my breath the only real point of stability and to trust fear more than I trust myself

CORRECTION: TAKING BACK RESPONSIBILITY OF THE HEART :

When and as I notice my heart beating fast before speaking to someone important, I stop and breathe. I place my awareness in the center of my chest. I expand the breath. I stabilize myself here. 

I realize the person I am speaking to is not my father, not my teacher, not a childhood authority. 

I realize I am facing the ghost of old memories, not a real threat.

 I realize fear cannot direct me unless I accept it.

I realize the Heart Only Beats Fast When I Don t Stand With myself.

I realize that Authority is a memory. 

I realize that Fear is a memory. 

I realize that the old child inside me is a memory. 

I realize that I am the one breathing now. 

 I am the one directing now.

 I am the the adult in my own body now. 

I realize that the heart-race will stop the moment I stand not as fear, not as memory, but as the physical living.

 I commit myself to answer the phone as breath, not as fear.

 I commit myself to speak to authority as an equal, not as a child.

 I commit myself to correct my voice, my presence, my stability not through force, but through breath. 

I commit myself to remain here in my chest, in my physical body, not in memory.

 I rewrite myself in real time.

 Breath by breath.

 Call by call. 

Moment by moment.