Day 37 : Obssessions part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create obsessions  through not being aware, not being here, being absent as a beingness and not observing what is happening in my mind

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that that particular movie scene and the script, dialogue, persona, everything, I had been imprinting and layering within myself  over and over and over again, which then causes me to almost automatically access that obsession moment within myself with the same thoughts, back-chats, reactions, behavior. And how in real-time moments I am going to have to re-script the dialogue, that moment, my persona, who and how and what I am going to embody to change the outflow. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that when being obsessed with someone or an experience or a past experience in my memories, where that I wasin a relationship  for some time with an individual and the whole relationship did not work out for the both of us. But even within that, I do see my responsibility to some extent or another, but what happens mostly is that my thoughts and back-chats go toward the other person. Look at what they did, who they were, how are they, why didn't it work, what was their fault and not meant to be. So my thoughts and back chats and experiences keep on juggling in between myself and them and the relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that  specifically the obsession is mostly like this juggling of the information within my mind like in a way of wanting to hold on to my ex-partner in a way of not wanting to completely wholly see my personal responsibility within that relationship and how it played out. So I've got an unrest within me and therefore I am  holding on in an obsessive way and I refuse to in a way let it go, make peace with it, go to acceptance and then effectively move on within myself and into a new relationship or a new process and experience. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take this and set in like a movie scene situation if I have a look at my daily life being a movie and I find yourself sometimes when I am alone with myself either at work when I am not focused on or concentrated on any work specifically or when I am walking or when I am just sitting at home on my couch or in a chair and you know any given moment within my everyday life that I am  completely physically let's say relaxed and rested and so now with having that context, imagine myself in a movie scene where I am like alone with myself and then my thoughts start moving and my backchats and my inner experiences about this past relationship all the experiences memories and moments keep on thinking about it and looking at looking at it and more specifically also become emotional about it.

 I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that this is also another definition of obsession where I become obsessed with someone or a past experience and event and it keeps on cycling and recycling within my mind over and over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write and apply self forgiveness about the relationship the past memories the experiences all the points that come up within me and then see the common sense and how to forgive and write and walk through those obsessions and really let it go and see my personal responsibility in a way of being able to finally change and just drop and let go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed some obsessions to equally go into a possession and  not be willing to change in relation to the point  not be willing to really look into myself the relationship with my  ex-partner and the memories and experiences that keeps on coming up and revisiting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that  obsession pattern that's showing also that dimension of obsession and possession of the cycling and the recycling over and over and over again

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have a look if I have had any similar such experiences in my past or if I even still do access such things inside myself have a look at is there a past experience memory or relationship with something or someone that happened that keeps on cycling and recycling that I in a way I am holding on to it because it's coming up within the same type of thoughts and backchats and emotional experiences and even if it only happens every now and then if it visits me it's still a dimension of obsession I am holding on to it I am  not letting go so I have got to ask myself why is there still this unrest within me in relation to this past memory this past experience this past moment what is it within it that i'm refusing to look at within myself?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that in relation to such obsessions with someone or a past relationship or a past experience I just don't want to let go of is that there is some sort of justification or reason and excuse of projected blame and so it's like in a way by becoming obsessed by them with them with the past experience I am also at the same time getting back at them or  fighting or punishing myself or thinking that I deserve it or  things like that so I have got to have a look at peeling off the layers in relation to this obsession in what is the excuse reason and justification or blame that's coming up within me as to why I don't want to take full responsibility and then obviously what is hiding beneath that is the fact that there is something within what had happened that I am equally responsible for that I do not want to face that I do not want to learn that I do not want to see but it's also not so much that you don't want to it's also more my mind making sure that I don't because as long as I stay obsessed and possessed within this past memory relationship or experience that happened years ago then  my mind's got me and it can cycle and recycle me in this obsession point for the rest of my life and that one point could hold actually a major key for me in understanding something about myself learning something about myself realizing something about myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so stuck in some obsession possession of the past that I visits them almost every single day of my life to the point that my actual physical life have become stuck and my physical life become stuck meaning I have had no expansion in any form of relationship no expansion in any form of career or future or creation at all I have actually gone the complete opposite of not at all even being able to anymore work on myself to the point where I wanted to essentially walk away from process from walking anything that has to do with expansion growth change intimacy depth communication and all of this was created from accepting and allowing an obsession and possession something or someone that happened years ago.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realize that the more I cycle in such an obsession and possession day in and day out is that those cycles and recycling start channeling more and more of my beingness into it more and more of myself so more and more of myself becomes defined by this obsession and possession I lose myself within it all literally and not only that but limits me as a being and because I am limited my relationships in my life will be limited my any doors opening up in my life will be because nothing is opening up within myself at all


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that with walking process how many things started opening up within me to the extent where I am now deciding on career choices and paths that I never thought I would be able to do and within that so many other doors are opening up as well so many new avenues adventures experiences explorations have come knocking on my door and even placed me possibly in environments or countries that I never thought I would ever be in

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that when I actually start walking my process in a point of that personal responsibility and then walking that constantly and consistently day in and day out and over months looking back and seeing for myself how much I have changed and how much my relationships have changed and how much my life has changed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that  another outflow consequence of obsession is an isolatedness and aloneness and a separation from other individuals where also  what happened is I then went so far in isolation separateness and aloneness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame and projection of blame as a reason excuse and justification to  be isolated separated and alone from others when all the while I've been creating this very relationship and experience for some months or even years by becoming obsessed and possessed with an experience in the past and in no way in any way whatsoever walking a personal process and journey of introspection investigation understanding expansion and change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that everyone change comes to a point where yes I will obviously have a remembrance of my past experience of the person of things like that, that had happened but it's interesting and this is also something to look out for that could have also naturally happened but I weren't really aware of because I haven't been paying attention to it is that when I deal with memories before and after it's like before only that memory comes up with all the thoughts back chats and reactions but I need to start doing the writing and the forgiveness and the realization and I get to that real core understanding and change within myself from the memory every time after that the memory comes up at the same time the realization and understanding comes up of oh okay yes i remember that memory and i remember the process that i've walked within and through it. 

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand the difference that I can distinguish within myself of things that I still need to work on within me especially when it comes to memories or past experiences where there might still be an obsession that if the memory and the moment the person and experience comes up with a emotional reaction or a movement within me instead of a remembrance of the process that I've walked through the memory just another indicator of ah okay this memory still needs some processing within myself and my life.

I commit myself to identify if there are any memories or past experiences that I 'am still obsessed with that I am not actively walking a process within in terms of writing and forgiveness but that just keeps so I just keep on thinking about it and looking at it and having the inner dialogue in my  mind  there's no active direct participation of i'm going to change in my relationship to this past experience .

I commit myself to continue practicing that real-time change moments of when you see that I am going into a moment of obsession of my thoughts and backshots and reactions for example toward another person that kept on cycling and recycling  I've got to make the change in real time because that script dialogue or acting that I embody in that moment has been layered within myself  in many ways and therefore I've got to re-script change live and embody a new self within that moment and that's going to take every single time I've got almost remind a part of myself  no no we're not going to go with that script and that acting persona we're going to go with this living word and this self-expression in this moment.